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Are you chasing the life you want, or the one that looks good to others?

Writer's picture: Layak SinghLayak Singh

In the race of life, it’s easy to get caught up in pursuing the things we think we want. But are these truly our desires, or are they just reflections of what society, our families, or our peers have convinced us is worth achieving? The distinction is crucial, yet so many of us are running toward a finish line that may not even bring us genuine fulfillment.



The Illusion of Success

The 21st-century world bombards us with images of success: the luxury car, the dream house, the perfect Instagram vacation. But here’s the question: if nobody could see your achievements, would you still want them?

There’s a story often retold in business circles about John D. Rockefeller, one of the richest men in history. Even at the peak of his wealth, Rockefeller was reportedly asked, “How much money is enough?” His answer: “Just a little bit more.” Despite accumulating unimaginable riches, the relentless pursuit was never enough. If Rockefeller was never content despite having everything the world considers “success,” what does that say about our modern chase for validation?

The Desire Trap: Are You Living for Yourself or Others?

In his classic work “Man’s Search for Meaning,” Viktor Frankl delves into the depths of human motivation, explaining that true fulfillment comes not from success or material gains but from having a deeper purpose. When we’re consumed by the need to prove ourselves to others, we often find ourselves on an endless treadmill, chasing things that leave us feeling empty once we get them.

Think about that high-paying job you’re grinding away at. Does it truly make you happy, or does it serve as a trophy to show off to your LinkedIn connections? The prestige of a title can be intoxicating, but titles rarely comfort us on sleepless nights when we're questioning our life choices.

The Social Media Mirage

Social media has exacerbated the pressure to achieve visible success. We see a carefully curated highlight reel of other people's lives, making us question our own progress. This comparison culture drives people to work toward goals that aren’t aligned with their true selves. Studies have shown that the average social media user spends over 2 hours a day scrolling through feeds, absorbing unrealistic standards of success, beauty, and happiness.

The 2019 World Happiness Report highlighted that while income has steadily increased in the past few decades, overall happiness levels have not. The report suggests that rising material wealth is not leading to happier lives. The biggest reasons? Social isolation, lack of purpose, and the perpetual comparison with others.

The Mask of Perfection: A Tale of Self-Deception

Consider the story of Karen, a successful lawyer who climbed the ranks of a top firm. On paper, she had it all—high income, a prestigious title, and the respect of her peers. But deep down, she was miserable. She admitted to herself one day that she never actually wanted to be a lawyer; it was simply what her parents expected of her. After years of sacrificing her well-being for a career that wasn’t truly hers, Karen made the brave decision to walk away and start her own pottery business—a long-forgotten passion. The irony? She now makes less money but is infinitely happier.

Why We Seek Validation

Psychologists refer to the phenomenon of pursuing external goals for social approval as “extrinsic motivation”. This type of motivation is often short-lived because it is not rooted in our internal values or passions. In contrast, intrinsic motivation—pursuing what genuinely excites us—leads to more sustainable happiness.

Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert, in his book “Stumbling on Happiness,” explains that humans are terrible at predicting what will make them happy. Often, we pursue things because we think they will impress others, only to realize too late that the joy was short-lived.

The Power of Self-Reflection: The Stoic Approach

The Stoic philosopher Seneca wrote extensively on the dangers of chasing material wealth and the approval of others. He argued that the happiest people are those who are content with what they already have and who measure success not by external markers but by internal peace. “It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor,” Seneca wrote.

What if, instead of focusing on what others think, we took a moment to ask ourselves, “What truly makes me happy?” This might mean stepping away from that high-powered career, declining that promotion, or even just spending less time scrolling through social media.

Practical Tips to Align Your Pursuits with Your True Desires

  1. Audit Your GoalsList down your current life goals. Now, ask yourself why each of those goals exists. Is it because they align with your passions, or because they’ll look impressive to others?

  2. The “Invisible Audience” TestImagine that whatever you achieve will never be seen by anyone else—no Instagram post, no LinkedIn update, no public recognition. Would you still pursue it? If the answer is no, it might be time to reconsider.

  3. Define Your SuccessTake inspiration from Clayton Christensen, who, in his book “How Will You Measure Your Life?”, argues that true success isn’t measured by wealth or accolades but by relationships, personal fulfillment, and making a difference.

  4. Practice GratitudeStudies show that people who regularly practice gratitude are happier and more content with their lives. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, take stock of the things you’re already grateful for.

  5. Limit Social Media ConsumptionAccording to a study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, reducing social media use can significantly decrease feelings of loneliness and depression. Less time comparing yourself to others means more time to focus on your true desires.

Real-Life Inspiration: The Pursuit of Inner Peace

In the 1990s, actor Jim Carrey famously wrote himself a $10 million check for “acting services rendered” and dated it for ten years into the future. He achieved his dream within that time frame, but in interviews, he’s candid about how the money and fame didn’t bring him lasting happiness. He once said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.

Similarly, Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse who spent years caring for the terminally ill, documented the most common regrets of the dying in her book “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.” The number one regret? “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

The Bottom Line: Redefining Your Journey

It’s never too late to pause, reflect, and course-correct. The world may convince you that you need the fancy job title, the impressive salary, or the luxurious vacation. But what if, instead, you pursued the things that brought you joy, even if nobody was watching?

There’s a profound freedom in chasing what you want, not because it will make others think highly of you, but because it will make you think highly of yourself. True success is not about reaching the top of someone else’s mountain; it’s about finding the courage to climb your own.

In the end, the life you live is yours alone. Wouldn't it be a shame to spend it living someone else’s dream?



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© 2024-25 by Layak Singh. 

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